Lessons I Learned in Fourth Grade

Let's be honest. I should be shampooing the carpet, mopping, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, packing boxes for moving, getting the house ready for sale, mowing the lawn (yep—it's that time of year again), or walking the dogs. Yeah.... I'll pass. Instead, I thought I'd actually give myself a minute to sit and reflect on a few things as I get ready to wrap up another phase of my life.

I'm leaving my school at the end of this year, and—perhaps—leaving the teaching profession entirely. It's a heartbreaking and, unfortunately, common decision that 40%-50% of teachers make within the first five years of teaching. In about a month, the last bell will ring on the last day of school, and I'll be left with an uncertain future and a whole lot of empty space that used to be filled by fourth graders.

Don't get me wrong, though. I love teaching. I love my students, my kids. I worry about them. I cry for them. I wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes, to pray for them. I watch the cartoons and movies they tell me to so that we'll have something to talk about. I go to their soccer games and choir concerts. I spend my free-time thinking of ways to make my lessons more interesting or better or more effective. In some cases, I make sure they have food to eat and clothes to wear. I get angry when others hurt them. I find indescribable joy in their successes. I wish I could do more.

While I may not, exactly, know what the next chapter of my life may hold, I look back on this last chapter and realize—with deep gratitude—that I needed to be here. Even with as difficult as it was. Maybe I needed to be here for my kids, but, deep down, I know that it's really them who needed to be there for me. Through teaching them, I found that I taught myself a lot of important things too. We learned together. While I know other similar lists have been composed, I thought I'd share with you a list that's been years in the making. Lessons I shared with my students and, in turn, shared with myself.

Lessons I Learned in Fourth Grade:

• Learn from mistakes. It's a great way to grow.
• No one gets the right answer all of the time. Not even the teacher.
• It's best to forgive others, even if they don't deserve it.
• We will never regret doing or saying something kind.
• We will always regret—someday—doing or saying something unkind.
• If someone else makes poor choices, it's not an excuse for us to make poor choices too.
• It's better to live in truth alone than to live in lies surrounded by false friends.
• Everyone can do hard things.
• No one is beyond hope.
• What you think about yourself is more important than what others think about you.
• Beautiful things can come from the ugliest places.
• Small acts of goodness counteract grand acts of cruelty.
• It's better to have a good heart than a smart brain.
• Everyone is important. Everyone has a job to do. Everyone.
• No one is good at everything, but everyone is good at something.
• Everyone has potential to do great things, but it's up to the individual to decide if they'll live up to that potential.
• The best way to be happy is to help others be happy.
• If we don't share what's bothering us, then the problem might not get fixed. Communication is important in fixing bad situations.
• Respect is a two-way street.
• We should always show gratitude when others give something to us, even if it's something we don't like or don't want. Every gift should be treated as a treasure.
• One doesn't always have the power to change their circumstances, but they do have the power to change the way they see their circumstances.
• Life isn't fair, but we should still try to be.
• Always try to be a good example—you never know who's watching.
• Anyone can make good choices when others are watching or when they know they'll be rewarded. A truly good and exceptional person makes the right choices, even when no one is watching and no rewards given. We should do the right things for the right reasons.
• It's OK to ask for help.
• Be patient with others, because you never know what challenges they have to face.
• The right choice isn't always the easiest choice.
• Acquaintances will come and go, but true friendships endure the test of time.
• You don't have to be friends with everyone, but you do need to be polite to everyone.
• If we don't like where we come from, then it's our job to work hard for something better. That way, we don't have to stay in that situation forever.
• The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. (Totally stole that one from Mulan.)
• Somehow, someday everything will be all right.
• Listen to all sides of a story before passing judgment.
• Everyone feels sadness, anger, anxiety, and jealousy; however, our negative emotions shouldn't dictate our actions. We should be in charge of our emotions. Our emotions shouldn't be in charge of us.
• It's important to have a sense of humor.
• No one wakes up in the morning hoping to be treated poorly that day.
• Any dream that helps others is worth pursuing. Even the dreams that seem impossible.
• When our plans fall through, it's OK to be flexible. Because most plans fall through. Plan A is, very rarely, the plan that happens.
• When bad things happen to us, we can either get bitter, or we can get better.
• The way we present ourselves on the outside isn't as important as the way we present ourselves on the inside.
• Knowledge doesn't always bring power, but it does bring sense of accomplishment and progress. It's fun to learn new things.
• We can't fix every problem in the world, but we can fix some of them.
• People are more important than things.
• A child is worth every effort and every sacrifice.

My world is a better place because of what I learned in fourth grade.

Get the Girl

For those unfamiliar with the Mormon community, we gather every April and October to listen to discourses given by the leaders of our church. We believe their words to be in accordance with whatever God would want us to hear at that particular point in time. Their words are often wise, comforting, and encouraging. On occasion, they lovingly remind us of our responsibilities and call on us to be more diligent in fulfilling those responsibilities.

This time around, I've noticed a general theme of the importance of maintaining healthy relationships with others, particularly with family. We believe that family is central to everything that we do—and that the calling to be a mother or a father is the greatest calling to be had. To find a husband/wife and raise children in a joyful and Christ-centered home is one of the most critical commandments we are charged to follow.

Got it? Yes? Good. Not quite? Visitthis page—it's the Church's official view as to what the family isand why it is so important.

Anyway, I'm writing this post, because I've got this irritating little brother who, apparently, is old enough to start thinking about marriage. I hope he does, mostly because my siblings make really cute nieces and nephews, so I thought I'd pass along my sage advice in seeing that it gets done. (My dad owes me $100 if my brother gets married before I do. I figure my dad might as well pay me now, but it kind of takes the fun out of it.) As I was sitting and listening to this conference, I couldn't help but have a few thoughts pop into my head that I felt needed sharing. It's mostly for that jerk-head of a brother of mine, but maybe you know someone who needs as much help as he does. In that case, here they are, ten points to follow in order to get the right girl:

Dear Brother:

1. Take your time. Don't force yourself into a relationship. I'm not saying to not date or to hide in your room and never socialize. That's for hermits and terrorists hiding from the government. You should go out and live a productive life, and, should you find a great girl in the process, good for you. If you don't find her right away, welcome to the 99% of the population who doesn't marry the first person they go out with. (That statistic is made up, and I ended a sentence with a preposition.) Don't get discouraged or bitter if you end up being on the market longer than you wanted to be. Trust me. And if you don't trust me, trust that the Lord has very specific plans for each of us—and some of those plans don't follow social norms. The easiest relationship to pursue isn't necessarily the best one to pursue. The worst thing you could do is date someone who isn't quite right for you—out of desperation—because that's not fair to you. It's not fair to them. And it stunts and, perhaps, prevents those opportunities you're meant to experience as a single person. If I ever have kids, I will be a much better mother to them now than if I had gotten married earlier on.
2. Date. A lot. Of different girls. Before settling on one. If you want to date someone, date her. One date doesn't mean a long-term commitment, and most girls know that. I would hope that you're dating different types of girls too. It's like the time I discovered that Ben and Jerry's has waaaaay more to offer than just Cherry Garcia. Yes, I love Cherry Garcia, but now I realize that I love other kinds of ice cream too, and that some are even better than Cherry Garcia.... Gosh, that analogy sucks more in type than it did in my head.... What I'm trying to say is this: date the popular girl, the smart girl, the spiritual girl, the athletic girl, the shy girl, the nerdy girl. Date all the girls. You might surprise yourself by finding something you didn't know you were looking for. And when you find it/her, that's when you can start to hone in and worry about whether your have a steady girlfriend or not.
3. Base your decisions on what you want, not what a potential girlfriend might want. As you're out there dating, make sure that you maintain your personality and standards. While I never fell into the temptation of making crucial mistakes—like breaking commandments—while under the influence of liking someone, I do have some minor regrets from my dating days. For example, when I blew off my roommates to hang out with the boys. Or when I opted to sit and watch a lame movie on someone's couch instead of spending time with my family. Or when I canceled plans with some nice guys, because the perceivabley more dateable guys suddenly wanted to hang out. Or when I agreed to go to different activities—that I knew I would hate—just because I thought a guy would like me better if I did. If you want to do something for you, then do it. But don't feel like your choices have to be dictated by some blonde who bats her eyelashes at you. Especially if you're still in the “I'm trying to decide if I like anyone enough to make them my girlfriend” phase.
4. Once you settle on which girl you want to pursue—just pursue her. I know a lot of guys who would disagree with me on this, but I know more girls who do agree. Yes, date a lot of girls. We covered that. But when you find the one you like, that you could potentially see yourself with, then you need to focus on her. She might drop hints that she wants to be pursued, and she might not. We grew up in the age of Dinsey Princesses, and even the most calloused girl appreciates, even if it's just deep down, a bouquet of flowers. A thoughtful note. An amateur poem that may or may not start with “roses are red.” A serenade with your guitar. (You got the list of songs I sent you to learn, right?) Heck—most girls nowadays are so devoid of attention that a phone call would be seen as a grand gesture. (Guess when a guy called me last? If the plumber counts, then a few months ago. If he doesn't count, then... it's been years. YEARS!) I don't know, maybe it's just me. A few things are certain, though: First, if you don't pursue her, you will lose the chance to be with her, and you'll never know what could have been. Second, no self-respecting girl will waste her time pursing a guy who has shown no interest in return. And, let's be honest—a true gentleman doesn't make the lady initiate the courting process. Third, the only difference between a stalker and a boyfriend is that the boyfriend's attention is wanted. In the process of pursing a girl, you will be one or the other. She'll let you know. If she calls you creepy, then you're a stalker and you need to back off. If your sentiments are returned, congratulations. You now have a girlfriend.
5. If at first you don't succeed—try, try again. I mean this in two ways. In the first, I mean that it's OK if a relationship (whether it's been one date or 100 dates) doesn't work out. There's a lot to be learned from a broken heart, because—once you're broken—you can build yourself back up into something better than you were before. There are lots of flavors of ice cream out there. Second—and take this with a grain of salt—persistence can pay off. About 60% of my married friends (and this statistic is NOT made up) were not initially attracted to their spouses. In fact, several of my friends turned their spouses down more than once—sometimes over the course of years. Yet, the guy got the girl, because he persisted. Truth is, at least for me, that we girls are bombarded with street harassment and creepy pick-up lines all the time. The response to a first—and even second—advance is often “no,” because it's an automatic defense mechanism. Looking back, I turned down some good guys, because they only expressed interest once—and happened to express that interest in a way that caught me off-guard or in a way that was so obscure that I had no idea they were interested. (A like on Facebook or a, “Hey, can I borrow your biology notes?” doesn't exactly scream, “Hey, we should go out sometime.”) If they had tried again, or been more forward in their intentions, maybe I would have reconsidered. If you really feel like a girl is truly worth it, don't be obnoxious (remember the stalker thing), but don't be afraid to remind her that you're still around and still interested. (Of course, this piece of advice is null and void if she starts dating someone else or if you find someone else in the process of waiting around on her.)
6. Be a gentleman. Like I said, no self-respecting girl is going to take the time to pursue a one-sided relationship. Sending texts and going on an occasional date is unacceptable if that is all you intend out of your relationship. Making phone calls, opening doors, taking an interest in her interests, encouraging her, etc. Do it. The more you put into it, the more you'll get out. It truly is an investment of time and energy. If you put nothing in, you'll have no return. Unless your girl is needy and desperate. In which case, you need to rethink your ice cream flavor anyway. A gentleman shouldn't date someone just because they're available and willing. Even in my old and cranky age, I truly believe that both parties in a relationship deserve to be a bit picky. You hold yourself to high standards, and you should date someone who also holds themselves to those high standards. Even if it takes you longer to find someone who measures up. In the meantime, make sure that you're becoming the type of person who a respectable girl would want to date.
7. Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and expectations as needed. In my past relationships, one of my pet peeves was when I had to be the one to bring up the “where are we, and where are we going” talk. The guys I know who got their girls were never hesitant to tell their girlfriends exactly what they expected from that relationship. I'm not saying you need to declare your love and propose on a second date. This isn't Utah. I am saying that communication is key in a relationship. That's how you gauge if you two are truly compatible and capable of building something more together. It takes time to know, so open communication is necessary throughout your courtship and relationship.
8. Don't get discouraged if/when a relationship doesn't pan out the way you expected it to. So, what if you've invested in a relationship that doesn't work, and you find yourself emotionally bankrupt? Dating is a gamble. You don't know the outcome. There are no guarantees. You're allowed to make your choices. So are they. This is why it's so important to be a strong person before you date. I've known others who define themselves by their relationships, and break-ups destroy them. Don't be like that. Maybe you'll be a lucky one who doesn't have to experience a broken heart. But if you're like the rest of us, you'll need to find a way to pick yourself up—the whole and complete person you were before the relationship—and find a way to start back at square one. For most people, this is a necessary part of the process in finding out who they really are and what they really want. Don't let any of your mistakes (or their mistakes) define you. Let them refine you.
9. Don't define yourself by your relationship status. Just thought I would reiterate this. Seriously. It's important.
10. Trust in the Lord and His timing. We already touched on this. This is the most important one on the list. Maybe you'll be one of those guys who gets married less than a year off his mission. Maybe you'll be one of those guys who has to wait YEARS for the right girl to come along. I don't know. That's between you and the Lord. What I do know is that, yes, being the single one feels awkward at times. It feels like being left out or left behind at times. It hurts at times. Believe me—I know all the emotions that go along with wondering if or when or why am I not good enough. However, in learning to come to grips with those emotions, I feel I've become a more refined version of myself. I know, without a doubt, that the Lord has needed to use me in different capacities than I had originally anticipated. My single-ness, honestly and truthfully, has become a holy time to me as I've learned to see my life from His perspective. Don't aim to be the perfect boyfriend or the perfect husband. Seek, instead, to be the perfect disciple of Christ. Pursue your righteous goals, whatever they may be, and all good things will be added to you in His time and in His way. The Lord, after all, doesn't keep us from something good unless He has something better in mind.

Good luck, kid. Or—whatever. What do I know? I'm 28 and live alone with dogs. (I'd probably have cats if I weren't allergic.) Anyway... you're never going to get advice from me again, because I'm still mad that you weren't a little sister. I still stand by that “welcome to the world” card I made you—that had dog poop drawn on it. Now, go suck on a mango. Also, Mom loves me more.

A New Beginning

It's 1:00 PM on January 1, 2015. I just rolled out of bed. Don't judge—I know that much of the world's population is a bit slothful in getting up and going today, though I bet for much different reasons than me. I actually woke up at 7 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. At about 7:30, I got a call from my dad. Even before answering the call, I knew what it was about—which is probably why I had such a hard time sleeping last night. Anyway—I've been sitting in bed since then, until now, because I'm feeling a bit lost. How do you start out a new year positively upon losing a beloved grandmother?

I don't know what else to do, so I guess I'll blog about it.

Gramies and Gramps lived only a few blocks away from my childhood home. My siblings, cousins, and I often ventured over there whenever the opportunity presented itself. Gramps taught me how to play pool and poker. (He also offered to teach me how to swear at traffic when I got my learner's permit. Unfortunately, that was a skill I picked up all on my own. Must be genetic.) Gramies taught me how to set the table, go shopping, and bake sugar cookies. She also taught me why it might not be the safest choice to sit in the dryer or slide down the laundry shoot.

If I had only one word to describe Gramies, it would be this: comforting. I remember that when I was a young girl in Primary (aka Sunday School for Mormon kids), my mom was teaching us the words to the hymn I Know that My Redeemer Lives. The song begins, “I know that my Redeemer lives. What comfort this sweet sentence gives.” Most of us didn't know what those words meant, so we broke it down—word by word. When we got to the word comfort, my mom told us to think of a time when we felt safe and loved—to think of a time where we knew everything would be all right. I thought of Gramies—of how I would come into her house from playing outside and how she would wrap me in a blanket, cuddle me, and put baby lotion smiley-faces on my hands. Maybe that's why, to me, comfort smells like baby powder.

Every Halloween, we would go trick-or-treating at their house. Gramps would always make a big fuss about how we had the best costumes he had seen all night and “[were we] sure that [we were] the grandkids, because [we] looked too scary or beautiful or grown-up to be the grandkids.” Gramies made sure that we didn't just get the tootsie-roll pops they would hand out. She always baked giant pumpkin shaped cookies—decorated with orange and green frosting with chocolate chip smiles. Maybe that's why, to me, comfort tastes like sugar cookies.

Growing up, Gramies would often take me on what we would call our “special days.” She would pick me up in the morning. We would run whatever errands she needed to accomplish, and then the rest of the day was mine. Usually, we would go to a toy store or craft store where I would pick out a toy or project. She would often buy me a new outfit, and it didn't even have to be on the sale rack. (A big deal for a little girl whose main clothing source was hand-me-downs.) We'd go to lunch—usually at Shari's. I would get soup and a sandwich. She'd take me back to her house where I would spend the rest of the day in her basement playing with my toy/craft and watching Nickelodeon. Maybe that's why comfort, to me, looks like that old basement.

Throughout the years, I've tried to make time to visit Gramies as often as I could—especially after Gramps passed away. In college, I would e-mail her on a weekly basis, and she would e-mail me back. In all those years of correspondence and communication, it was clear that she believed in me more than I believed in myself. Whenever I felt insecure or incapable, she would encourage me to “keep the tiger” in me, to not back down from harsh critics or difficult situations. On one of my last visits to see her—after she had already been placed in hospice—I was shocked to see how old and frail she looked. I wondered if that would be the last time I'd see her. I could hardly get a word out, choking back tears at the thought of saying a good-bye there and then. She looked at me—her piercing blue eyes were more clear than I had seen them in years—and asked how work was going. Not wanting to divulge the negative details of a rather difficult school year, I told her how everything is “fine.” She nodded and smiled and then said something to the effect of, “You just be there for those kids. Keep fighting for them, because that's the best thing in the world anyone can do. I'm proud of you.” We had several visits after this, but this will probably be the way I choose to remember her. Maybe that's why comfort, to me, sounds like my Gramies.

I regret that I didn't see her one last time. I'm furious that an extreme case of stomach flu kept me from visiting with her on Christmas. I'm ashamed that I left town without saying good-bye to her again, and I suppose that's a regret with which I'll have to learn to cope. However, I am thankful for the time that we had. Even more so, I'm abundantly grateful that death is not the end but, rather, a new beginning. I'm thankful that Gramies gets to start the new year reunited with Gramps, something for which she has long awaited. I'm comforted now in knowing that family relationships are not temporary but are potentially perpetuated and even magnified in our lives to come. That is the perspective I hope to carry with me throughout the coming year.

And, in her honor, these are my resolutions:

• That I may be a source of safety and comfort for all those with whom I come in contact.
• That I will care more about the love in my heart than the money in my pocket.
• That I will share my understanding with others; specifically, that life is a time to sow a legacy of goodness, death is an important step in achieving our intended potential, and that family relationships are eternally bound.

I love you, Gramies. Be sure to give Gramps a hug for me.

Why Christmas is Important

One of my favorite Christmas songs recently has been "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel."  Here are the lyrics to the first verse and chorus:

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.


If you're more the video type, here's a video you can watch instead:

In the times of the Old Testament, the House of Israel (aka--descendants of Abraham from Isaac and on) waited for a Savior to deliver them from captivity.  Their captivity was more of a physical sense, they thought, and waited for that Messiah (aka Emmanuel) to vanquish their enemies--the Egyptians, the Babylonians, the Assyrians, the Romans--and provide them, on a collective level, with the blessings deserving of a chosen people, including the freedom from the governments which they perceived held them captive.


Hold that thought as you ponder the next paragraph or two.


Christmas used to be a festive and borderline frivolous time for me.  Think Buddy the Elf, but less syrup on spaghetti.  That's gross.  Anyway, that was Christmas.  Of course, I always tried to keep the religious aspects of the season in mind as well.  The story of the birth of the long awaited Messiah grew in me, but it wasn't until I understood the bitterness of the holidays that I came to truly begin to appreciate the importance of that sacred event.

Nowadays, I spend most of my Christmas Eves not in anticipation of the day to come.  Instead, I think of all of the kids who dread December 24 and the days which follow.  Those kids who, in spite of their innocence, are subjected to the most vile forms of human nature during their holiday vacations.  Children who are abused.  Neglected.  Forgotten entirely.  Children who have to wonder why Santa skipped their house... again--and subsequently see themselves as unfit for goodness in general.  Children who question whether there can be a God who loves them, and--if there is--wonder why He would forget them... again.

My heart goes out to those parents who, in spite of all of their best efforts, are unable to provide a suitable Christmas for their deserving children.

My mind reels with the sorrow of those who mourn the loss of loved ones, taken too soon: those who won't have a stocking hanging above the fireplace or presents under the tree.

My soul becomes heavy with all of the reprehensible occurrences in the lives of those who deserve better than what they have gotten; the darkness of which stands in stark contrast to the lights of the season.

Of course, I eventually come to terms with my own sphere of influence (or lack thereof) and find some consolation in the understanding that I cannot fix every problem of every person.  That, however, is where this Messiah comes in.

Christmas isn't the best time for everyone, but it is--nonetheless--important.  For me, it is the evidence that no one is forgotten.  That a Messiah truly came to Earth to deliver Israel.  To deliver all of us.  However, unlike those living during the time of the Old and New Testaments, I know that this Messiah wasn't come only to deliver us from tyrannical rule.  (That time is yet to come.)  Instead, our Messiah came to deliver us from a captivity more burdensome than this:  He came to save us from abuse.  Neglect.  Illness.  Sorrow.  Sin.  Every reprehensible occurrence, whether by our own fault or the fault of another.

At times, I've heard testimonials of those who have "accepted Christ" that seem flippant and shallow.  However, for those who have truly set their mind firmly to following in the example set by that Man born in Bethlehem, they find that the experience is anything but flippant and shallow.  It is, rather, a tangible experience, one that transforms us from the inside out.  At times, it isn't our circumstances that change.  It is us who are changed.

And we are delivered.

What's more, is that someday, whether in this life or the next, we are promised that the faithful will receive recompense for every grievance experienced in mortality.  No deserved blessing will be withheld.  "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude" (Joseph B. Wirthlin).

And we are delivered.

It is my solemn and gladsome testimony at this time that "God is not dead, nor doth He sleep.  The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on Earth.  Goodwill toward men" (I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day).  I testify that the Messiah did come, and He did deliver us.  Every single one of us, whether we choose to believe it or not.  Are these not the "tidings of great joy" uttered to shepherds all those years ago?  Is this not the message that angels still deliver today?

We are delivered by Him who is called Wonderful, Counselor, All-Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, and the Prince of Peace.

That's why Christmas is important.

My Response to the "10 Heartbreaking Struggles"

It's been a while since the last post. But, don't panic, I'm still alive and well. Ish. I've just hit that point of adulthood where I laugh whenever I'm asked what I like to do with my spare time.... Spare time. That's hilarious.

Anyway—I recently came across an article. “10 Absolutely Heartbreaking Struggles Single People Never Talk About.” I read it. I thought it was...something...and then I thought nothing more of it. However, it was the general reactions of my friends toward this article which surprised me.  Many feel that these ten things are spot-on. A perfect representation of their lives.

And that's depressing.

Not that there's anything wrong with this article or the views of its author. I have, without a doubt, felt most of these things at one point or another. However, it is not my “normal.” My “normal” is a bit different and, dare I say, a bit more hopeful.

So, single friends, don't feel like these “10 Absolutely Heartbreaking Struggles” have to be your normal. Here are my thoughts on these struggles:

1. You are nobody's first priority.

If we're talking romantic-type relationships. Yep. You're absolutely right. We have to be the bread-winner and the domestic homemaker all rolled into one. Every household responsibility, every disappointing setback, every hard day at work falls on our own shoulders. And that's OK. It's more than OK. In being single for so long, I've come to recognize and understand what prioritizing really is—and that it doesn't really matter if I'm someone's first priority or not. Truth is, priorities shift and change as our circumstances do. While I may not be at the top of any lists, I can certainly put myself down as a priority on my own list as needed.

What's more, is that believing we are truly alone is ridiculous. There are friends and family members who—while worrying about their own families—still make time for us. That's pretty awesome. Who cares that we might be a little ways down on their lists of priorities? At least we made the cut.

Aaaaaand—bringing religion into it—I believe that we have a Savior and a Heavenly Father who always have us at the top of Their lists. To say that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have others to worry about before us is to place limitations on Their power and love. In scripture, the Savior has said, “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.” While it may not seem that anyone is there or cares—that we're no one's first priority—I can guarantee that we are always first priority to Him.

2. Physical touch is a thing for other people.

I guess I don't really relate to this one. So—you want to touch and be touched. You know they make pets for that, right? And, if you're not the pet kind of person, there are vocations and volunteering opportunities where meaningful touch is common-place. In working with kids, sometimes I get more physical contact than I'd like. If you want to be touched (metaphorically and literally), then you need to go out and touch others too.

3. Jealousy is green and ugly and real.

This is the only item on the list that I couldn't fathom. Why would I be jealous of another's happiness? I think, in general, we—as humans—tend to see joy as a limited resource. It's not. Joy and love are eternal principles that perpetuate and grow. To say that I can't be happy because someone else is...well, that's a bit childish. Having something added to another's well of happiness doesn't diminish the happiness of my own. Quite the contrary—it should add to it. Try to be genuinely happy that others are happy. Life isn't a competition. Although we may experience life differently and at different stages, we're all in this together.

4. There's physical pain associated with being lonely.

Yes, there is. So, don't give yourself time to dwell on it. I've found that as I strive to fill my life with good and positive things, that my life becomes full of good and positive things. (See how that works?) There's no time to feel the pain of loneliness if life is lived fully.

5. Being the third wheel sucks.

Yes, it does. No argument here. It is awkward being a third or fifth or seventh wheel. BUT, awkward is in the eye of the beholder. Truth is, as long as my friends and family invite me to do things with them, I'll accept. If it's not weird for them, there's no reason it should feel weird for me. What about other people? What will they think of me? Honestly, most people are too preoccupied wondering about whether or not they come off as awkward to worry about if anyone else is awkward. It's as the saying goes, “Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” (Or is it the other way around.... Hmmm....)

6. Friendship isn't enough.

Wow. If the relationships offered through friends and family aren't enough, then maybe you need new friends and family. Or maybe you need to start being a better friend. Or daughter. Or sister. Or whatever. Newsflash: every relationship should be founded on principles of understanding, selflessness, and love. Maybe I've missed the memo about romantic relationships, but I imagine that they—truly—aren't much different than any other relationship. Love is love. And to miss out on the love of friends and family just because I'm single and think I deserve more?... Now, that would be a tragedy.

7. Everyone is part of a couple.

Meh. Maybe they are. But, like I said earlier, just because someone else is in a relationship doesn't mean that something has been taken away from me. And, guess what? Sometimes people in relationships aren't happy. I'd rather have a healthy relationship with myself than a volatile relationship with someone else. A miserable single person makes a miserable dating/marriage partner. A joyful, productive single person makes for a joyful and productive dating/marriage partner. Changing your relationship status doesn't change who you are. Not really.

8. The grass isn't greener.

Ok. So the article says that couples need to stop saying that they'd love to have some “alone time.” OK. Great. But let's take this advice and spin it around. The grass isn't greener. Since when has being in a relationship been the fix-all, cure-all to every ailment—emotional and otherwise? As single people, I think we sometimes over-do the romanticizing of what relationships actually are. By finding another person with whom to share a life, one's baggage doesn't magically disappear. Maybe I'm off the mark here, but it doesn't seem fair to me that it would be the job of a boyfriend—or a husband or whatever—to fix all of my problems. What about his problems? Is he allowed to have any?  Or maybe we should all hold out for the type of man whose sole purpose is to care for his girlfriend/wife.  Good idea.  In all seriousness, though, all relationships are a give and take. And it isn't always 50-50.  When you're single, you take care of yourself.  When you're in a relationship, sure, at times there's someone else to care for you.  But, there will also be days where you'll be required to carry your load and the load of another person.  (For more of my thoughts on the topic, re-read #7.)

9. This isn't a lifestyle choice.

Again, I'm in agreement. Sometimes we choose to be single. Sometimes we don't. Even if there are no “good” men left, I should still be holding out the hope that maybe, at least, there are a few of them. If I choose to be single, then that's my choice and I accept all the consequences to go with it. However, if I choose that I don't want to be single, then I better be doing all that I can to help myself find the relationship I want. Even if it means rejection and failure and going on some terribly awkward dates. Some of us have to sort through a few more frogs than others before we find our prince. That doesn't mean he's not there or doesn't exist. It just means he'll be appreciated all the more when he is finally found.

10. No one gets it.

Weeeeell, actually, there are a lot of people who get it. A lot. The expanse of human suffering is vast and deep. To say that no one understands what I'm going through is both selfish and statistically inaccurate. If I were to get religious on the topic—yet again—I would also like to point out that Jesus Christ, in suffering through the Atonement, knows exactly and perfectly what I'm going through. He felt the same thing in the same way. And, let's be honest, wouldn't a relationship with that kind of a person be much more fulfilling that any other? I know that the scriptures admonish us to seek the Kingdom of God before we seek for riches. Might I also submit that this advice also applies to relationships?

Seek first to build a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ—and all else will be added in the Their time and in Their way. And whether or not we stay single becomes less and less important as we find that there is joy in life here and now.

Let's not waste our time focused on what “should have been” or what “should be.” Otherwise, we may look back on our lives and see nothing but wasted opportunities. Let's, instead, live to the fullest—today, capitalizing on all that is good in our lives now, as they are. Because that is one of the greatest skills one can learn, whether single or in a relationship.

What Matters Most

It's been a while since my last post.  For good reasons, though.  This school year has proved to be the most challenging yet.  It seems that every hypothetical "bad" situation that I studied as a university student decided to show up in my classroom all at once.

Of course, I might be a bit dramatic.  But, nonetheless, I've certainly had to pour my every waking moment into rising to the challenges I've been assigned to meet.  And I feel that I'm failing.  Miserably.

That being said, as I've struggled to meet those demands, I've realized something....  It doesn't matter as much as I used to think that it did.

As I write this, I think of my Gramies lying in her hospital bed.  We're getting ready to move her into hospice.  Yesterday, as she spoke with doctors and nurses, someone asked her what her job had been.  She answered by saying, "The best job there is.  I'm a grandma."  It was important.  It is important.  Being a grandma, that is.  Being a good one.  Gramies is an excellent grandmother, and I think she takes greater pride in that than in any other thing she has accomplished in her 88 years.

So, that matters.

I guess I've gotten caught up in trying to jump through hoops, make myself look good on paper, rather than actually being good and focusing on those things which actually matter.  It's like working, spinning my wheels, all without actually accomplishing anything of real importance.  It's like driving on the interstate--keeping my eye on the reflector poles rather than on the road ahead of me.

In a couple of minutes here, I'll be heading back to the hospital.  Maybe I'll take my violin or my singing voice.  I don't know.  But, one thing I do know, is that I'm ready to refocus myself on those things which actually matter.

Here's my list:

1. Children.  How many of society's issues would be solved if every child knew that they were genuinely loved?  Regardless of their outward appearance, talents, shortcomings, and report card scores?  What if every child grew up knowing that they are important?  What if every child grew up knowing that others are important too?  My students may not leave my classroom this year knowing long division, but--as God as my witness--I will do my utmost to teach them this.
2. Family and friends.  As a very wise Thomas S. Monson has said, "Never let a problem to be solve become more important than a person to be loved."  May I never again get so caught up in the day-to-day battles that I forget to love those around me and be aware of them.
3. My relationship with Jesus Christ.  I try to get along without being overly preach-y.  I believe that all people have to right to believe in whatever God they choose.  Or no god at all.  But, as is said in the Bible, "As for me...[I] will serve the Lord."  That being said, I can personally testify that an understanding of who Jesus Christ is, and understanding my place in His plan, is the most important thing.  As I reflect on it, I realize that everything in my life could align to go wrong--as I feel that it very well could be, but it doesn't matter.  Mortality is such a short time, as it is.  I can spend my time, as I said earlier, trying to make myself look good in all my day-to-day encounters.  OR I can spend my time coming to know Christ, trying to emulate the qualities He has, following His commandments, and actually becoming someone better than I am.  And then I can spend the rest of my time encouraging others to do the same.  That's important too.

...That's all.  That's my list.  In all my thinking, I can't come up with anything else that is of eternal importance.  In reality, the world doesn't have much to offer.  Houses, cars, food, jobs, vacations, movies, video games, music....  Yeah.  There are fun (and sometimes necessary) things to do and buy, but they fade and break and go out-of-style.  They only mean as much to me as the people with whom they're shared or the lessons I learn as a result.

If you get a minute, and you're the type of person who likes to pray, would you mind saying a prayer that I don't forget to stay focused on what's truly important?  I'll do the same for you.

Friends of Single Adults

It's been a year since I've started this blog. I thought I'd give it up after a month or two, but—turns out—writing is therapeutic. In honor of my accomplishment of sticking to something for more than a few months, here's a very super duper special post.... Actually, it's not super duper. Or super special. BUT, it is true to the name of the blog. I thought I would post some advice for those of you who don't know what it's like to be single for, well, foreeeeever. Basically, it's like watching your friends get picked-off, one-by-one, like in the Hunger Games....  Except, instead of dying, they're getting married.  I've lost many friends to their marriages, and I hate it.  So, I guess this is what I would recommend for them.  Here's my advice on how to be a good friend to a single adult, even if you're married.

How to be friends with a single adult:

• Don't forget to invite us to fun outings. For those who have families, it's easy to participate in fun, social outings. For those of us who don't have ready access to other people, our spontaneous outings tend to be solo outings to the movie theater. While it is fun to be alone, it's also nice to be invited and included.
• Remember us on holidays. Valentine's Day is the one that comes to mind for most. (I, personally, couldn't care less about such a senseless holiday.) However, if I were to be honest, a difficult holiday for me is Mother's Day. It's just a reminder of lost potential and not-to-be dreams. But getting a call on a day like that helps a lot.
• Don't remind us that we're single. When striking up a conversation with me, if your first question is, “How's your love life?” or “Are you dating anyone?”--yeah, you aren't getting an answer, at least not a polite one. And, should the time ever come that I decide to settle down, you will not be informed. On purpose. Because it's none of your [explicative] business whether or not I'm “even trying” to get married.
• Ask us for help. It's nice to be wanted, and it's nice to be needed. It's also nice to be recognized as a capable grown up who can contribute positively to relationships and society.
• Celebrate our successes with us. And I'm not talking “she's finally dating someone!” successes. I'm talking anything that's important to me. I could count, on one hand, the number of extended family members who have ever congratulated me on my accomplishments—or who have told me that they're proud of me. (Kind of pathetic if you consider that there are hundreds of people in my extended family.) While I know I shouldn't play favorites, my favorite family members are definitely those who actually show they care about me.
• Be willing to offer help. One of the times I truly envy those in marriage relationships is when I have to face an especially difficult challenge. I don't have anyone to go home to who will tell me everything will be OK. When it's time to pack up and move, it's all on me. When an appliance breaks down—me. Yardwork—me. When the dog is sick and throwing up—I'm in charge of cleanup. When I'm sick and throwing up—I'm in charge of cleanup. Even offering to help with little jobs helps a lot.
• Don't assume that we don't understand how to be adults. “When you're grown up and married, you'll understand what we're talking about.”....Heard it. A lot. Based on this logic, every person in the world who's married is of a mature and sound mind.... Right.... This is especially annoying logic when coming from someone several years younger than myself who hasn't experienced a fraction of the “adult” things which I have.
• Don't assume anything about us, really. Maybe we do want to be single. Maybe we don't. Maybe we're happy with our current situations in life. Maybe we're not. But, truth be told, it's not anyone's business but our own. I've participated in many conversations that include phrases like, “You're still single? Well, what's wrong with you?”...Because, clearly, it's only the sane people who get married—nope, no crazy people allowed. And only the selfish stay single. Way to feed into unfounded stereotypes. Please, leave me out of those stereotypes.
• Be encouraging. Not that a single person is constantly in need of validation, but kind words can positively fill an emotional tank. While you may have a significant other to remind you of how great you are, we single folks get to rely on ourselves for that. And, let's face it, me telling myself in the mirror that I'm looking good isn't nearly as potent as a niece telling me how pretty I am.  For those who are Mormon, especially continue to encourage us to keep the commandments of God--most single people my age, even those who used to be religious, no longer do.
• Don't try to set me up unless I ask you to or approve beforehand. Just because two people are single and of a similar age doesn't mean that they're going to get along. I have very specific tastes, as I'm sure everyone does, and I don't appreciate getting set up with people unknowingly. If I ask you to set me up with someone, it's because I trust you to be as picky as I am. If you insist on setting up your single friends, have a solid argument as to why the arrangement is worth the trouble.
• Check in on us every once in a while. “If I were to die in my sleep tonight, how long would it take for someone to notice that I'm gone?” The thought has crossed my mind before, particularly in the summertime when I'm not expected to be anywhere. My next thought is usually, “I sure hope my dogs would find something to eat besides me.” Check in on your single friends so that our dogs don't have to eat our faces. Thanks.

So, that's my list this time around. Happy blog anniversary!