Unexpected

Wow.  I don't know about you, but 2014 sure didn't waste time in slapping me in the face.  And it only has very little to do with the fact that the 9ers lost to that classless team (who will get their butts handed to them by the Broncos, PS).  Thanks a lot, 2014, for all of your twists and turns.  You're sure making me look forward to 2015-- trust me.


Yeah-- unexpected changes make life hard sometimes.  Take, for example, getting older.  Never did I expect to be fighting with acne and gray hairs at the same time.  (What is this?!  The Twilight Zone?  Seriously.)  Never did I expect that I'd have to be a morning person.  Never did I expect that I'd be living and working where I am....  But, here we are.


I certainly never expected the challenges of this year.  The unexpected passing of a cherished loved one.  The surgery and rehabilitation of another.  And I can't seem to get rid of this gnawing guilt that I have from having texted my mom late one night to get a ride to the ER (poor Mom)-- then again, that gnawing is probably just my gallbladder trying to digest dinner.  Yogurt and tuna, by the way.


I know that many make resolutions to live healthier lifestyles as a new year rolls around.  Yep.  Me too, but not by choice.  I've officially reached "old age," well... my gallbladder has anyway.  I'm just hoping I can hold out until summer when I can gorge myself on fat and grease, hopefully do enough damage that I can have the dang thing taken out.  Until then, it's nothing but rice, fruit, and protein shakes (Ensure, anyone?) for me.  Thankfully, I still have frozen yogurt to rely on should I start losing too much weight.  Maybe the occasional handful of Cheezits isn't totally out of the question, if I'm feeling brave.  Unfortunately, it's R.I.P. to my two favorite food groups-- chocolate and French fries.


Yep.  Unexpected changes.  We can adjust.  Or we can complain... and then adjust anyway.  Because there's really no choice not to.  Complaining isn't going to reverse the events which have already happened.  In the words of my Gramies, "You shouldn't worry about what if.  You should only worry about what is."


I was thinking about that the other day as I was recovering from a rather severe attack-- the same one that landed me in the hospital.  My side was aching, felt like someone had beat me up with a crowbar, and I was scared.  I was scared of how tired I was.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to adjust to my job (which requires an abundance of energy).  I was scared to eat or drink, because I never again wanted to feel the pain that I had felt the night before.  On top of that, there was the worry, sadness, and stress of other expected and unexpected events which had occurred within the new year.  Yet, even feeling all of that, I realized something.  I was hurt.  I was weak.  I was scared.  But I was at peace in spite of it.


That was probably the most unexpected response of all.  Peace?  Really?  Yeah, maybe even with a little bit of "happy" mixed in too.  I don't know how, or when, or if all of 2014's issues will be resolved.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to indulge in Taco Bell again (without needing a side of morphine, that is).  Thinking about it, though, it's a good thing.  I've never been so motivated to take care of myself-- not just for me, but for my students and family also.


As I was pondering there, I also thought about how thankful I was for the parts of my body which function properly.  Think about it-- so much can go wrong in a human.  It's amazing any of us are alive at all.  So many things have to work just right, and most of them do.  Incredible.


I was thinking about my friends and family.  Through this unexpected health "crisis," I've had so many friends and family offer concern and help.  Being the stubbornly independent person I am, I rarely think about who can help me.  Needing to rely on others now, and realizing how many are willing to be relied upon, has been an unexpected blessing to me.


I thought about everyone else I knew who had gone through similar experiences.  While sympathy is an admirable and divine quality, I find that empathy offer a bit more in the department of understanding.  To all of my relatives and friends who have gone through this, I suddenly understand their past struggles much more than I used to.  For those who I encounter in the future...  well, maybe going through this is as much for them as it is for me.


Mostly, though, these last few days have put me to thinking about my Grandmas.  About how worried and sad I was for them.  I decided, in the end, it's good to worry and feel sad because of others.  Because, on the opposite side of that "worry and sad" coin is "love and joy."  Feeling pain, whether physical or emotional, is good.  It means we're capable of feeling.


So-- yeah.  It's certainly going to be an uphill battle through January.  I figure, though, (assuming I can keep a cool head when the hospital bill arrives) that unexpected is to be expected.  Yet, if we continue to do our best to search for those unexpected opportunities and blessings which arise from trial, it's not going to be such a bad year after all.