Dating Double Standard

I'm at an awkward impasse in my life. It's a situation in which more people find themselves than you'd think. I hate this phase—never have liked it much in the past, and I definitely don't like it much now. You see, I just finished reading a book (Words of Radiance) that has consumed most, if not all, of my free time for the better part of a week. And now I have all this free time that I feel should be spent reading more. But I don't want to start a new book, because that would be like cheating on the old book. And, let's face it, no book is going to be as good as the one I just finished. (They never are.) ANNNND I figure I might as well reread the same book again in case I missed a few words.... Like I said. Awkward impasse.

Yeah. I'm at that inconvenient interval until I decide to either a) start a new hobby, b) read another book, c) read the same book again, d) write a book of my own, e) dress up my dogs in medieval costumes and re-enact important European historical events..... OK, so there are a lot of things I could be doing. But, really, I just want to know if Kaladin and Dalinar are going to be able to reunite the Knights Radiants and save Roshar before the Everstorm destroys everything.... (Feel free to read above mentioned book to understand what I just said.) Blasted series books.

Anyway, now that I'm done with reading, I can write about something that's been mulling over in my mind. It has to do with double standards and –dare I say—hypocrisy. (Which, if you think about it, they're pretty much the same thing.)

I want to talk about the criticism and judgment thrown at those of us who are single by those in our lives who think we should not be. (Sorry—didn't realize our relationship statuses were so burdensome in your day-to-day activities. We'll get on that right away so that you can sleep well at night.)

We've heard it all, my single friends and I: “You just don't want it.” “You're not trying hard enough.” “You need to make yourself more available.” “You need to move someplace where there are more people your age. You're not doing much where you're at anyway.” “You're too picky.”

That's the one I want to talk about. “You're too picky.”

During the course of my teenage years, I heard numerous discourses and attended many Sunday school classes where I was told how great I was. Not just me. All of us—girls in particular. Contrary to popular belief, women in the Mormon religion are actually revered and highly respected. Yep. We're that cool, and all we had to do was be born with two “x” chromosomes.

We were told to set our expectations high, especially when it came to choosing a future companion. Many, many times we were told to make lists, set goals. One list we made included qualities we expected in our future spouses: Upon conclusion of the list, we were advised to develop those same qualities within ourselves—be the person we expected a husband to be. We were told to never settle for anything less. I'm sure my list looked something like this:

1. returned missionary
2. tall
3. super hot
4. no, seriously, super super hot
5. like movie star hot
6. rich
7. funny
8. likes kids
9. good cook
10. athletic
11. musical
12. artistic
13. strong
14. good at shooting guns
15. smart
16. h-o-t

And now—ten years later—I'm being told that I'm too picky. Well, let me tell you, based on the list I made when I was 14, yep. I'm too picky. I would say my list is not only a bit vapid, but it's also a tad unrealistic as far as expectations go. However, my list has changed a bit since then. In many ways, my expectations have been re-routed to the “this would be nice” list, rather than staying put on my “must have” list. Unfortunately, though, my added years of life, experience, and learning have actually raised my bar. Nowadays, the list looks a bit more like this:

1. has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ
2. honors his Priesthood
3. has a desire to be sealed/married in a temple
4. honors me and respects me—will treat me as an equal
5. will put his whole focus into being a worthy father
6. develops his specific skill sets to improve his life and the lives of others
7. is kind
8. is loyal
9. is honorable and courageous in upholding that honor
10. has integrity
11. is not easily tempted
12. is not easily angered
13. is capable of caring for himself and others (financially, emotionally, physically, etc.)
14. is an, overall, happy person
15. sense of humor
16. appreciates my “nerdiness”
17. has passions, goals, and interests
18. isn't just a romantic interest, but a sincere and best friend

etc. etc. etc. (I'm not going to share everything. That's personal.)

Of course, I'm being “too picky” now. If I were 19, my list would be totally acceptable. Not so these days. So, what changed?

Well, there's my age. I got older. As a result, the message I'm getting is this: as a person ages, they deserve less. While ten years ago “not settling” was the expectation, the expectation now is to “settle for what you can get.”

Of course, if it isn't my age that makes me undeserving, then—perhaps—it's that, in others' eyes, I never deserved what I wanted in the first place. And they lied to me when they said, “don't settle.”

So—am I picky? Yes, absolutely, and for all the right reasons. Keep in mind, these expectations aren't only the standard to which I hold a potential “someone,” these are also the expectations to which I hold myself. We've all heard the adage, “You are what you eat.” I'd like to say, “You are who you date.” To lower the expectations, to settle, to become “not so picky,” I would have to lower my own expectations. I would have to settle on the lowest common denominator of myself. I would have to believe that my personal worth has diminished over time, and I continue to lose value everyday.

I don't think that's true for me. I don't think that's true for anyone.

So, if you're worried that your single friend is “too picky,” maybe you should focus your efforts and concerns on building your friend up—giving them hope that they deserve to accomplish their goals, whatever those goals might be.

And for you single friends who are still playing the field—even though everyone expected you to be “retired” by now—keep on keeping on. Keep growing, and don't lose hope. Expectations shouldn't have expiration dates, especially when it comes to the important things.