It's been a while since the last post.
But, don't panic, I'm still alive and well. Ish. I've just hit that
point of adulthood where I laugh whenever I'm asked what I like to do
with my spare time.... Spare time. That's hilarious.
Anyway—I recently came across an
article. “10 Absolutely Heartbreaking Struggles Single People Never Talk About.” I read it. I thought it was...something...and
then I thought nothing more of it. However, it was the general reactions of
my friends toward this article which surprised me. Many feel
that these ten things are spot-on. A perfect representation of their
lives.
And that's depressing.
Not that there's anything wrong with
this article or the views of its author. I have, without a doubt,
felt most of these things at one point or another. However, it is not
my “normal.” My “normal” is a bit different and, dare I say,
a bit more hopeful.
So, single friends, don't feel like
these “10 Absolutely Heartbreaking Struggles” have to be your
normal. Here are my thoughts on
these struggles:
1.
You are nobody's first priority.
If
we're talking romantic-type relationships. Yep. You're absolutely
right. We have to be the bread-winner and the domestic homemaker all
rolled into one. Every household responsibility, every disappointing
setback, every hard day at work falls on our own shoulders. And
that's OK. It's more than OK. In
being single for so long, I've come to recognize and understand what
prioritizing really is—and that it doesn't really matter if I'm
someone's first priority
or not. Truth is, priorities shift and change as our circumstances
do. While I may not be at the top of any lists, I can certainly put
myself down as a priority on my own list as needed.
What's
more, is that believing we are truly alone is ridiculous. There are
friends and family members who—while worrying about their own
families—still make
time for us. That's pretty awesome. Who cares that we might be a
little ways down on their lists of priorities? At least we made the
cut.
Aaaaaand—bringing
religion into it—I believe that we have a Savior and a Heavenly
Father who always have
us at the top of Their lists. To say that Jesus Christ and Heavenly
Father have others to worry about before us is to place limitations
on Their power and love. In scripture, the Savior has said, “Behold,
I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are
continually before me.” While it may not seem that anyone is there
or cares—that we're no one's first priority—I can guarantee that
we are always first
priority to Him.
2.
Physical touch is a thing for other people.
I
guess I don't really relate to this one. So—you want to touch and
be touched. You know they make pets for that, right? And, if you're
not the pet kind of person, there are vocations and volunteering
opportunities where meaningful touch is common-place. In working
with kids, sometimes I get more physical contact than I'd like. If
you want to be touched
(metaphorically and literally), then you need to go out and touch
others too.
3.
Jealousy is green and ugly and real.
This
is the only item on the list that I couldn't fathom. Why would I be
jealous of another's happiness? I think, in general, we—as
humans—tend to see joy as a limited resource. It's not. Joy and
love are eternal principles that perpetuate and grow. To say that I
can't be happy because someone else is...well,
that's a bit childish. Having something added to another's well of
happiness doesn't diminish the happiness of my own. Quite the
contrary—it should add to it. Try to be genuinely happy that
others are happy. Life isn't a competition. Although we may
experience life differently and at different stages, we're all in
this together.
4.
There's physical pain associated with being lonely.
Yes,
there is. So, don't give yourself time to dwell on it. I've found
that as I strive to fill my life with good and positive things, that
my life becomes full of good and positive things. (See how that
works?) There's no time to feel the pain of loneliness if life is
lived fully.
5.
Being the third wheel sucks.
Yes, it does. No
argument here. It is awkward being a third or fifth or seventh
wheel. BUT, awkward is in the eye of the beholder. Truth is, as
long as my friends and family invite me to do things with them, I'll
accept. If it's not weird for them, there's no reason it should feel
weird for me. What about other people? What will they think of
me? Honestly, most people are
too preoccupied wondering about whether or not they come
off as awkward to worry about if anyone else is awkward. It's as the
saying goes, “Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter
don't mind.” (Or is it the other way around.... Hmmm....)
6.
Friendship isn't enough.
Wow.
If the relationships offered through friends and family aren't
enough, then maybe you need new friends and family. Or maybe you
need to start being a better
friend. Or daughter. Or sister. Or whatever. Newsflash: every
relationship should be founded
on principles of understanding, selflessness, and love. Maybe I've
missed the memo about romantic relationships, but I imagine that
they—truly—aren't much different than any other relationship.
Love is love. And to miss out on the love of friends and family just
because I'm single and think I
deserve more?... Now, that would be a tragedy.
7.
Everyone is part of a couple.
Meh.
Maybe they are. But, like I said earlier, just because someone else
is in a relationship doesn't mean that something has been taken away
from me. And, guess what? Sometimes people in
relationships aren't happy. I'd
rather have a healthy relationship with myself than a volatile
relationship with someone else. A miserable single person
makes a miserable dating/marriage partner. A joyful, productive
single person makes for a joyful and productive dating/marriage
partner. Changing your relationship status doesn't change who you
are. Not really.
8.
The grass isn't greener.
Ok.
So the article says that couples need to stop saying that they'd
love to have some “alone time.” OK. Great. But let's take this
advice and spin it around. The grass isn't greener. Since when has
being in a relationship been the fix-all, cure-all to every
ailment—emotional and otherwise? As single people, I think we
sometimes over-do the romanticizing of what relationships actually
are. By finding another person with whom to share a life, one's
baggage doesn't magically disappear. Maybe I'm off the mark here,
but it doesn't seem fair to me that it would be the job of a
boyfriend—or a husband or whatever—to fix all of my
problems. What about his problems?
Is he allowed to have any? Or maybe we should all hold out for the type of man whose sole purpose is to care for his girlfriend/wife. Good idea. In all seriousness, though, all relationships are a
give and take. And it isn't always 50-50. When you're single, you take care of yourself. When you're in a relationship, sure, at times there's someone else to care for you. But, there will also be days where you'll be required to carry your load and the load of another person. (For more of my thoughts on the topic, re-read #7.)
9.
This isn't a lifestyle choice.
Again,
I'm in agreement. Sometimes we choose to be single. Sometimes we
don't. Even if there are no “good” men left, I should still be
holding out the hope that maybe, at least, there are a few
of
them. If I choose to be single, then that's my choice and I accept
all the consequences to go with it. However, if I choose that I
don't want to be single, then I better be doing all that I can to
help myself find the relationship I want. Even if it means rejection
and failure and going on some terribly awkward dates. Some of us
have to sort through a few more frogs than others before we find our
prince. That
doesn't mean he's not there or doesn't exist. It just means he'll be
appreciated all the more when he is finally found.
10.
No one gets it.
Weeeeell,
actually, there are a lot of people who get it. A lot. The expanse
of human suffering is vast and deep. To say that no one understands
what I'm going through is both selfish and statistically inaccurate.
If I were to get religious on the topic—yet again—I would also
like to point out that Jesus Christ, in suffering through the
Atonement, knows exactly and
perfectly what I'm
going through. He felt the same thing in the same way. And, let's
be honest, wouldn't a relationship with that kind
of a person be much more fulfilling that any other? I know that the
scriptures admonish us to seek the Kingdom of God before we seek for
riches. Might I also submit that this advice also applies to
relationships?
Seek
first to build a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus
Christ—and all else will be added in the Their time and in Their
way. And whether or not we stay single becomes less and less
important as we find that there is joy in life here and now.
Let's
not waste our time focused on what “should have been” or what
“should be.” Otherwise, we may look back on our lives and see
nothing but wasted opportunities. Let's, instead, live to the
fullest—today, capitalizing on all that is good in our lives now, as they are.
Because that is one of the greatest skills one can learn, whether single or in a relationship.
