My Response to the "10 Heartbreaking Struggles"

It's been a while since the last post. But, don't panic, I'm still alive and well. Ish. I've just hit that point of adulthood where I laugh whenever I'm asked what I like to do with my spare time.... Spare time. That's hilarious.

Anyway—I recently came across an article. “10 Absolutely Heartbreaking Struggles Single People Never Talk About.” I read it. I thought it was...something...and then I thought nothing more of it. However, it was the general reactions of my friends toward this article which surprised me.  Many feel that these ten things are spot-on. A perfect representation of their lives.

And that's depressing.

Not that there's anything wrong with this article or the views of its author. I have, without a doubt, felt most of these things at one point or another. However, it is not my “normal.” My “normal” is a bit different and, dare I say, a bit more hopeful.

So, single friends, don't feel like these “10 Absolutely Heartbreaking Struggles” have to be your normal. Here are my thoughts on these struggles:

1. You are nobody's first priority.

If we're talking romantic-type relationships. Yep. You're absolutely right. We have to be the bread-winner and the domestic homemaker all rolled into one. Every household responsibility, every disappointing setback, every hard day at work falls on our own shoulders. And that's OK. It's more than OK. In being single for so long, I've come to recognize and understand what prioritizing really is—and that it doesn't really matter if I'm someone's first priority or not. Truth is, priorities shift and change as our circumstances do. While I may not be at the top of any lists, I can certainly put myself down as a priority on my own list as needed.

What's more, is that believing we are truly alone is ridiculous. There are friends and family members who—while worrying about their own families—still make time for us. That's pretty awesome. Who cares that we might be a little ways down on their lists of priorities? At least we made the cut.

Aaaaaand—bringing religion into it—I believe that we have a Savior and a Heavenly Father who always have us at the top of Their lists. To say that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father have others to worry about before us is to place limitations on Their power and love. In scripture, the Savior has said, “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.” While it may not seem that anyone is there or cares—that we're no one's first priority—I can guarantee that we are always first priority to Him.

2. Physical touch is a thing for other people.

I guess I don't really relate to this one. So—you want to touch and be touched. You know they make pets for that, right? And, if you're not the pet kind of person, there are vocations and volunteering opportunities where meaningful touch is common-place. In working with kids, sometimes I get more physical contact than I'd like. If you want to be touched (metaphorically and literally), then you need to go out and touch others too.

3. Jealousy is green and ugly and real.

This is the only item on the list that I couldn't fathom. Why would I be jealous of another's happiness? I think, in general, we—as humans—tend to see joy as a limited resource. It's not. Joy and love are eternal principles that perpetuate and grow. To say that I can't be happy because someone else is...well, that's a bit childish. Having something added to another's well of happiness doesn't diminish the happiness of my own. Quite the contrary—it should add to it. Try to be genuinely happy that others are happy. Life isn't a competition. Although we may experience life differently and at different stages, we're all in this together.

4. There's physical pain associated with being lonely.

Yes, there is. So, don't give yourself time to dwell on it. I've found that as I strive to fill my life with good and positive things, that my life becomes full of good and positive things. (See how that works?) There's no time to feel the pain of loneliness if life is lived fully.

5. Being the third wheel sucks.

Yes, it does. No argument here. It is awkward being a third or fifth or seventh wheel. BUT, awkward is in the eye of the beholder. Truth is, as long as my friends and family invite me to do things with them, I'll accept. If it's not weird for them, there's no reason it should feel weird for me. What about other people? What will they think of me? Honestly, most people are too preoccupied wondering about whether or not they come off as awkward to worry about if anyone else is awkward. It's as the saying goes, “Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” (Or is it the other way around.... Hmmm....)

6. Friendship isn't enough.

Wow. If the relationships offered through friends and family aren't enough, then maybe you need new friends and family. Or maybe you need to start being a better friend. Or daughter. Or sister. Or whatever. Newsflash: every relationship should be founded on principles of understanding, selflessness, and love. Maybe I've missed the memo about romantic relationships, but I imagine that they—truly—aren't much different than any other relationship. Love is love. And to miss out on the love of friends and family just because I'm single and think I deserve more?... Now, that would be a tragedy.

7. Everyone is part of a couple.

Meh. Maybe they are. But, like I said earlier, just because someone else is in a relationship doesn't mean that something has been taken away from me. And, guess what? Sometimes people in relationships aren't happy. I'd rather have a healthy relationship with myself than a volatile relationship with someone else. A miserable single person makes a miserable dating/marriage partner. A joyful, productive single person makes for a joyful and productive dating/marriage partner. Changing your relationship status doesn't change who you are. Not really.

8. The grass isn't greener.

Ok. So the article says that couples need to stop saying that they'd love to have some “alone time.” OK. Great. But let's take this advice and spin it around. The grass isn't greener. Since when has being in a relationship been the fix-all, cure-all to every ailment—emotional and otherwise? As single people, I think we sometimes over-do the romanticizing of what relationships actually are. By finding another person with whom to share a life, one's baggage doesn't magically disappear. Maybe I'm off the mark here, but it doesn't seem fair to me that it would be the job of a boyfriend—or a husband or whatever—to fix all of my problems. What about his problems? Is he allowed to have any?  Or maybe we should all hold out for the type of man whose sole purpose is to care for his girlfriend/wife.  Good idea.  In all seriousness, though, all relationships are a give and take. And it isn't always 50-50.  When you're single, you take care of yourself.  When you're in a relationship, sure, at times there's someone else to care for you.  But, there will also be days where you'll be required to carry your load and the load of another person.  (For more of my thoughts on the topic, re-read #7.)

9. This isn't a lifestyle choice.

Again, I'm in agreement. Sometimes we choose to be single. Sometimes we don't. Even if there are no “good” men left, I should still be holding out the hope that maybe, at least, there are a few of them. If I choose to be single, then that's my choice and I accept all the consequences to go with it. However, if I choose that I don't want to be single, then I better be doing all that I can to help myself find the relationship I want. Even if it means rejection and failure and going on some terribly awkward dates. Some of us have to sort through a few more frogs than others before we find our prince. That doesn't mean he's not there or doesn't exist. It just means he'll be appreciated all the more when he is finally found.

10. No one gets it.

Weeeeell, actually, there are a lot of people who get it. A lot. The expanse of human suffering is vast and deep. To say that no one understands what I'm going through is both selfish and statistically inaccurate. If I were to get religious on the topic—yet again—I would also like to point out that Jesus Christ, in suffering through the Atonement, knows exactly and perfectly what I'm going through. He felt the same thing in the same way. And, let's be honest, wouldn't a relationship with that kind of a person be much more fulfilling that any other? I know that the scriptures admonish us to seek the Kingdom of God before we seek for riches. Might I also submit that this advice also applies to relationships?

Seek first to build a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ—and all else will be added in the Their time and in Their way. And whether or not we stay single becomes less and less important as we find that there is joy in life here and now.

Let's not waste our time focused on what “should have been” or what “should be.” Otherwise, we may look back on our lives and see nothing but wasted opportunities. Let's, instead, live to the fullest—today, capitalizing on all that is good in our lives now, as they are. Because that is one of the greatest skills one can learn, whether single or in a relationship.