Get the Girl

For those unfamiliar with the Mormon community, we gather every April and October to listen to discourses given by the leaders of our church. We believe their words to be in accordance with whatever God would want us to hear at that particular point in time. Their words are often wise, comforting, and encouraging. On occasion, they lovingly remind us of our responsibilities and call on us to be more diligent in fulfilling those responsibilities.

This time around, I've noticed a general theme of the importance of maintaining healthy relationships with others, particularly with family. We believe that family is central to everything that we do—and that the calling to be a mother or a father is the greatest calling to be had. To find a husband/wife and raise children in a joyful and Christ-centered home is one of the most critical commandments we are charged to follow.

Got it? Yes? Good. Not quite? Visitthis page—it's the Church's official view as to what the family isand why it is so important.

Anyway, I'm writing this post, because I've got this irritating little brother who, apparently, is old enough to start thinking about marriage. I hope he does, mostly because my siblings make really cute nieces and nephews, so I thought I'd pass along my sage advice in seeing that it gets done. (My dad owes me $100 if my brother gets married before I do. I figure my dad might as well pay me now, but it kind of takes the fun out of it.) As I was sitting and listening to this conference, I couldn't help but have a few thoughts pop into my head that I felt needed sharing. It's mostly for that jerk-head of a brother of mine, but maybe you know someone who needs as much help as he does. In that case, here they are, ten points to follow in order to get the right girl:

Dear Brother:

1. Take your time. Don't force yourself into a relationship. I'm not saying to not date or to hide in your room and never socialize. That's for hermits and terrorists hiding from the government. You should go out and live a productive life, and, should you find a great girl in the process, good for you. If you don't find her right away, welcome to the 99% of the population who doesn't marry the first person they go out with. (That statistic is made up, and I ended a sentence with a preposition.) Don't get discouraged or bitter if you end up being on the market longer than you wanted to be. Trust me. And if you don't trust me, trust that the Lord has very specific plans for each of us—and some of those plans don't follow social norms. The easiest relationship to pursue isn't necessarily the best one to pursue. The worst thing you could do is date someone who isn't quite right for you—out of desperation—because that's not fair to you. It's not fair to them. And it stunts and, perhaps, prevents those opportunities you're meant to experience as a single person. If I ever have kids, I will be a much better mother to them now than if I had gotten married earlier on.
2. Date. A lot. Of different girls. Before settling on one. If you want to date someone, date her. One date doesn't mean a long-term commitment, and most girls know that. I would hope that you're dating different types of girls too. It's like the time I discovered that Ben and Jerry's has waaaaay more to offer than just Cherry Garcia. Yes, I love Cherry Garcia, but now I realize that I love other kinds of ice cream too, and that some are even better than Cherry Garcia.... Gosh, that analogy sucks more in type than it did in my head.... What I'm trying to say is this: date the popular girl, the smart girl, the spiritual girl, the athletic girl, the shy girl, the nerdy girl. Date all the girls. You might surprise yourself by finding something you didn't know you were looking for. And when you find it/her, that's when you can start to hone in and worry about whether your have a steady girlfriend or not.
3. Base your decisions on what you want, not what a potential girlfriend might want. As you're out there dating, make sure that you maintain your personality and standards. While I never fell into the temptation of making crucial mistakes—like breaking commandments—while under the influence of liking someone, I do have some minor regrets from my dating days. For example, when I blew off my roommates to hang out with the boys. Or when I opted to sit and watch a lame movie on someone's couch instead of spending time with my family. Or when I canceled plans with some nice guys, because the perceivabley more dateable guys suddenly wanted to hang out. Or when I agreed to go to different activities—that I knew I would hate—just because I thought a guy would like me better if I did. If you want to do something for you, then do it. But don't feel like your choices have to be dictated by some blonde who bats her eyelashes at you. Especially if you're still in the “I'm trying to decide if I like anyone enough to make them my girlfriend” phase.
4. Once you settle on which girl you want to pursue—just pursue her. I know a lot of guys who would disagree with me on this, but I know more girls who do agree. Yes, date a lot of girls. We covered that. But when you find the one you like, that you could potentially see yourself with, then you need to focus on her. She might drop hints that she wants to be pursued, and she might not. We grew up in the age of Dinsey Princesses, and even the most calloused girl appreciates, even if it's just deep down, a bouquet of flowers. A thoughtful note. An amateur poem that may or may not start with “roses are red.” A serenade with your guitar. (You got the list of songs I sent you to learn, right?) Heck—most girls nowadays are so devoid of attention that a phone call would be seen as a grand gesture. (Guess when a guy called me last? If the plumber counts, then a few months ago. If he doesn't count, then... it's been years. YEARS!) I don't know, maybe it's just me. A few things are certain, though: First, if you don't pursue her, you will lose the chance to be with her, and you'll never know what could have been. Second, no self-respecting girl will waste her time pursing a guy who has shown no interest in return. And, let's be honest—a true gentleman doesn't make the lady initiate the courting process. Third, the only difference between a stalker and a boyfriend is that the boyfriend's attention is wanted. In the process of pursing a girl, you will be one or the other. She'll let you know. If she calls you creepy, then you're a stalker and you need to back off. If your sentiments are returned, congratulations. You now have a girlfriend.
5. If at first you don't succeed—try, try again. I mean this in two ways. In the first, I mean that it's OK if a relationship (whether it's been one date or 100 dates) doesn't work out. There's a lot to be learned from a broken heart, because—once you're broken—you can build yourself back up into something better than you were before. There are lots of flavors of ice cream out there. Second—and take this with a grain of salt—persistence can pay off. About 60% of my married friends (and this statistic is NOT made up) were not initially attracted to their spouses. In fact, several of my friends turned their spouses down more than once—sometimes over the course of years. Yet, the guy got the girl, because he persisted. Truth is, at least for me, that we girls are bombarded with street harassment and creepy pick-up lines all the time. The response to a first—and even second—advance is often “no,” because it's an automatic defense mechanism. Looking back, I turned down some good guys, because they only expressed interest once—and happened to express that interest in a way that caught me off-guard or in a way that was so obscure that I had no idea they were interested. (A like on Facebook or a, “Hey, can I borrow your biology notes?” doesn't exactly scream, “Hey, we should go out sometime.”) If they had tried again, or been more forward in their intentions, maybe I would have reconsidered. If you really feel like a girl is truly worth it, don't be obnoxious (remember the stalker thing), but don't be afraid to remind her that you're still around and still interested. (Of course, this piece of advice is null and void if she starts dating someone else or if you find someone else in the process of waiting around on her.)
6. Be a gentleman. Like I said, no self-respecting girl is going to take the time to pursue a one-sided relationship. Sending texts and going on an occasional date is unacceptable if that is all you intend out of your relationship. Making phone calls, opening doors, taking an interest in her interests, encouraging her, etc. Do it. The more you put into it, the more you'll get out. It truly is an investment of time and energy. If you put nothing in, you'll have no return. Unless your girl is needy and desperate. In which case, you need to rethink your ice cream flavor anyway. A gentleman shouldn't date someone just because they're available and willing. Even in my old and cranky age, I truly believe that both parties in a relationship deserve to be a bit picky. You hold yourself to high standards, and you should date someone who also holds themselves to those high standards. Even if it takes you longer to find someone who measures up. In the meantime, make sure that you're becoming the type of person who a respectable girl would want to date.
7. Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and expectations as needed. In my past relationships, one of my pet peeves was when I had to be the one to bring up the “where are we, and where are we going” talk. The guys I know who got their girls were never hesitant to tell their girlfriends exactly what they expected from that relationship. I'm not saying you need to declare your love and propose on a second date. This isn't Utah. I am saying that communication is key in a relationship. That's how you gauge if you two are truly compatible and capable of building something more together. It takes time to know, so open communication is necessary throughout your courtship and relationship.
8. Don't get discouraged if/when a relationship doesn't pan out the way you expected it to. So, what if you've invested in a relationship that doesn't work, and you find yourself emotionally bankrupt? Dating is a gamble. You don't know the outcome. There are no guarantees. You're allowed to make your choices. So are they. This is why it's so important to be a strong person before you date. I've known others who define themselves by their relationships, and break-ups destroy them. Don't be like that. Maybe you'll be a lucky one who doesn't have to experience a broken heart. But if you're like the rest of us, you'll need to find a way to pick yourself up—the whole and complete person you were before the relationship—and find a way to start back at square one. For most people, this is a necessary part of the process in finding out who they really are and what they really want. Don't let any of your mistakes (or their mistakes) define you. Let them refine you.
9. Don't define yourself by your relationship status. Just thought I would reiterate this. Seriously. It's important.
10. Trust in the Lord and His timing. We already touched on this. This is the most important one on the list. Maybe you'll be one of those guys who gets married less than a year off his mission. Maybe you'll be one of those guys who has to wait YEARS for the right girl to come along. I don't know. That's between you and the Lord. What I do know is that, yes, being the single one feels awkward at times. It feels like being left out or left behind at times. It hurts at times. Believe me—I know all the emotions that go along with wondering if or when or why am I not good enough. However, in learning to come to grips with those emotions, I feel I've become a more refined version of myself. I know, without a doubt, that the Lord has needed to use me in different capacities than I had originally anticipated. My single-ness, honestly and truthfully, has become a holy time to me as I've learned to see my life from His perspective. Don't aim to be the perfect boyfriend or the perfect husband. Seek, instead, to be the perfect disciple of Christ. Pursue your righteous goals, whatever they may be, and all good things will be added to you in His time and in His way. The Lord, after all, doesn't keep us from something good unless He has something better in mind.

Good luck, kid. Or—whatever. What do I know? I'm 28 and live alone with dogs. (I'd probably have cats if I weren't allergic.) Anyway... you're never going to get advice from me again, because I'm still mad that you weren't a little sister. I still stand by that “welcome to the world” card I made you—that had dog poop drawn on it. Now, go suck on a mango. Also, Mom loves me more.