So-- whenever I go onto YouTube, it suggests that I watch self-help videos. Apparently, YouTube thinks I have issues. Which is probably true. But, how does looking at "I'm a Parallelogram," "Cat Bug," and "Pink Bandana" translate into "Hey You Need Help... and a Man" videos? (PS-- those videos that I do watch are for my students.... And, also, I like them.)
Well, YouTube. I'm tired of you suggesting videos about dating advice, given from guys who I'd never date. Quite frankly, I don't care if I'm using the right inflections in my voice when I introduce myself to a guy. I don't care if I bat my eyelashes just right. You've gotta be kidding me.
Two can play at this game.
Let's pretend, for a while, that I'm doing everything right. Let's pretend that I'm not the one who needs advice. Let's pretend that it's the guys who are "broken" and, clearly, not doing their jobs. Let's pretend that I know what I'm talking about. Guys, this one's for you!
How To Get a Girl (like me) to Like You in 10 Simple Steps:
- Don't expect me to approach you first. I won't. I'm too busy doing productive things, and-- quite frankly-- not even thinking about you. Not to be rude, but with all the people I'm already worrying about, the thought to add you to the list hasn't even crossed my mind. Don't be intimidated by my scowl either: I'm just contemplating how long I can put off doing my laundry, or I'm trying to remember if I put out the garbage or not. If you want to talk to me, then talk to me.
- Don't be creepy. If you do decide to talk to me, please, don't say, "You are so beautiful. I want you to start thinking about how many kids we're going to have. Call me." Don't say, "I've studied astrology, and I knew that today was the day that I'd find you." Really, don't say, "....uh... hey. So... uh... what are you doing Friday night?" Seriously, guys. Those kinds of pick-up lines work on no one. Really cheesy pick-up lines, on the other hand, now those are something I can live with. Try these: http://www.pickuplinesgalore.com/cheesy.html
- Ask me to spend time with you. I've had a lot of guys initiate conversation with me, and some of the conversations were actually kind of fun. But sometimes they end with, "Uh. So, see you around then." Sometimes they ask for my number. When I do give it to them, they never use it! If you want to spend more time with me, then tell me! It doesn't have to be anything fancy. We can take my dogs for a walk. We can watch the most ridiculous Netflix shows we can find. We can grade spelling tests together. I don't care. If you don't let me know that you want to spend more time together, I'll assume that you don't and continue carrying on with my fulfilling and busy life.
- Don't take things too seriously at first. This is important. Very important. I want to put you in the friend zone. I want to leave you there for a long time. Don't start telling your friends that I "might be the one" after we've only been on one date that lasted for two hours. Don't start texting me at all hours of the night asking if I had a good day. Then, when I don't respond to your text, don't ask if you're annoying me. The answer is, yes, you are. Very much. HOWEVER, if you tell your friends that you think I'm cool, and that you want to hang out with me more-- awesome. If you text me random quotes from cartoons, or if you show me really funny YouTube videos, then you definitely won't be annoying me. Also important to remember-- get to know me! I've had to let down several guys, some not so kindly, because they wanted to get serious before they even knew me. When I ask you why you want to date me more seriously, you better have a better response than, "You're gorgeous, and I'm just so attracted to you." You better have something more convincing to say than, "We can get to know each other later."
- Be Mormon, and take it seriously. Enough said. If you're not Mormon, at least study up on it. Ask the missionaries to visit you. Get baptized. Or not. But I won't date any one who's not Mormon. Sorry. I don't like this rule sometimes too, but it's important.
- Take an interest in what I like. You've made it to step six. Congratulations. If you've made it this far, you need to start stepping up your game. Ask about my kids at school. Help me rearrange my classroom desks. Hang out with me at school fundraisers, or take me to see movies that I like. (I hate chick flicks, so it shouldn't be that hard.) Take me to get frozen yogurt. I don't mind paying. Buy my dogs treats. Suggest new songs that I could learn on the piano or ukulele. Watch "The Walking Dead" with me, because I can never fall asleep after watching it by myself. Because, chances are, if you've made it this far, I've taken an interest in the things that you like. You'd be really rude not to do the same.
- Don't do stupid things. Stupid things includes, but is not limited to: wearing camo pants and tennis shoes, wearing socks with flip-flops, asking if you can kiss me, dancing like an idiot (if you can't dance, don't!), liking the Green Bay Packers, complimenting me on stupid things, asking me if I'd like to go bowling (I wouldn't), living with your parents, etc.
- Be nice to my family. My family always wins. Always. If they don't like you, then I don't like you. That includes my oldest brother, and he doesn't like anyone his sisters date. Just saying.
- Buy me flowers. I know it sounds greedy, but no one has ever gotten me flowers before. Except my Gramps, my sister, and my mom. Seriously, guys. I'm practically 30, and none of you have ever thought to buy me flowers. And YouTube thinks that I have a problem?!
- Refer back to step one. Remember, guys. I was actively involved in life before you came along. Chances are, I'll still be busy with everything that kept me occupied before. Definitely don't propose, but if you expect the relationship to advance beyond "friend zone," you're going to have to be the one to bring that up. Be persistent if you need to be. I'll let you know to back off if you enter "creepy" territory.
Enjoy!
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