I hope you don't mind a quick rant, though.
Teaching is really hard. Really, really, really hard. So hard that, at the end of the day, I can't think of a more sophisticated word than "really" to use. I'm so tired, inside and out.
Today was one of those days. (Like I said.) One of those days when my kids didn't want to listen. One of those days when I was hard on myself, because more of my kids should have passed that math test! I told them! I prepared them! They had it before! Why don't they have it now?! What am I doing wrong?! What do I need to do differently tomorrow that I didn't do today? And why is it that there's always a student or two who know how to test my every classroom management tactic, how to not so inadvertently waste time all day long, and how to make me take it personally and think it's my fault.
There's no such thing as a perfect teacher. I get that. It still bugs me, though. As a teacher, I try not to take it personally when days like this happen. But it is personal. These are my students, and they are important to me, whether they want to be or not. I like to think that if they knew how much I want the best for them, some may try a little harder when I'm introducing vocabulary words. I wish I could express to them how many meticulous hours I spend obsessing over the little things that would make my lessons more effective or more interesting. I wish a lot of things when it comes to my students. Mostly I wish for their success and happiness.
Another thing is, I never expected to be in this position. It's strange. Whenever I was in high school or college, I would look ahead and plan my future. I would get a degree, serve a mission, maybe work a year or two, and then settle down and get married-- enter family. Be a mom and grandma until I die. End scene.
None of this was ever supposed to happen. I was never supposed to be in a third-year-teaching situation. I was never meant to deal with good teaching days or boring teaching days or horrible teaching days. It wasn't supposed to be like this! I'm supposed to be somewhere else living a different life! An easier life.
But life isn't easy, is it? I can't speak for others, but I can definitely speak for myself: Things rarely turn out the way I expect them to. I've gotten much better at being OK with that. Even today, I know that battling with my students (well, some of them anyway) will make me a better teacher in the long run. So long as I let my challenges, setbacks, and failures refine instead of define. I'm a teacher who fails sometimes (and learns from it), but I am not a failing teacher.
Time to stop worrying about "what if" and to start addressing "what is." Time to refocus, regroup, and try again tomorrow.
Oh-- and here's a poem I wrote a while ago, but I think it applies today. Gracias y buenas noches.
What do you do when you feel out of place,
like the seasons have left you behind?
That there are blessings deserved and promises made,
But some that you still can't quite find?
Postponing and patience and waiting,
the lessons you thought you had learned
are present and ever reminding
of some things which you thought you had earned.
What do you do when the challenge or choice
is something you don't understand?
When you don't feel the guidance or loving support,
Yet you've prayed and done all that you can?
Confusing and empty and lonely,
Wandering around as one mentally blind.
Is it righteous to act without knowing
the consequences or results you might find?
What do you do when you're striving
to serve and to make the world right?
When your back, from the pressure, is breaking
and you're running out of that internal light.
Blessings and justice and mercy,
knocked off balance like an out-of-tune song.
Beginning to consider telling the Lord how
His purposes and placements are wrong.
Shallow is the heart without trouble.
Selfish is the untested soul.
It's best that we live and face trial
as the Carpenter builds to make whole.
Breaking and tearing and mending,
with His skillful and crucified hand.
And so the faithful will let Him continue,
til they've become as the Great I am.
like the seasons have left you behind?
That there are blessings deserved and promises made,
But some that you still can't quite find?
Postponing and patience and waiting,
the lessons you thought you had learned
are present and ever reminding
of some things which you thought you had earned.
What do you do when the challenge or choice
is something you don't understand?
When you don't feel the guidance or loving support,
Yet you've prayed and done all that you can?
Confusing and empty and lonely,
Wandering around as one mentally blind.
Is it righteous to act without knowing
the consequences or results you might find?
What do you do when you're striving
to serve and to make the world right?
When your back, from the pressure, is breaking
and you're running out of that internal light.
Blessings and justice and mercy,
knocked off balance like an out-of-tune song.
Beginning to consider telling the Lord how
His purposes and placements are wrong.
Shallow is the heart without trouble.
Selfish is the untested soul.
It's best that we live and face trial
as the Carpenter builds to make whole.
Breaking and tearing and mending,
with His skillful and crucified hand.
And so the faithful will let Him continue,
til they've become as the Great I am.
Teacher Disclaimer: I would never intentionally single-out or bad-mouth my kids publicly or privately. I hope this isn't how this post is coming off. My classroom is like one, big family. We're all different, and I love and respect all of my students, and I appreciate them for the unique qualities they bring to my class. My students are, by far, the best part of my job.
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